You might laugh at my “being such a dramatic girl” tendencies but what can you expect? You brought yourself here so don’t act so shocked. This is a white girl’s online journal.
I hope this doesn’t come back to bite me later. ;/
I learned some interesting things that I’m not so sure I wanted to know this week.
Read if you must.
I received a letter in the mail last week. Just a blank envelope with my name on it. Only my first and middle name which was suspicious.
I had something similar happen a few many months ago and it turned out to be from an old best friend. My first thought of course was that it must be from her again.
My phone rang, I got distracted and I stashed it in the back of my drawer.
Three days pass.
I bumped into… an old friend. I didn’t know what to say, other than mindlessly copy his hello and shocked facial expression. His mom was there. “Aren’t you going to hug her!?” she said. Although many posts have been removed about him, there’s still enough remaining to provide context.
Spoiler, the letter was from him.
When he inquired if I had read his letter, I stupidly said, “what letter?” It was at that moment as we stood in Kohl’s, I realized. The letter carelessly stashed in the back of my drawer was from him.
His mom left to let us catch up. 🙁
“I know the boyfriend blocked me, your phone goes straight to voicemail now.”
“Or I did it myself.” I said.
…
“I still call, just to hear the answering machine. I really miss you.” He said.
“Your friendship.” He clarified.
He went on to reveal that he met someone, but they had broken up before they were even together. A detail he had written in the unread letter. “She wasn’t you.”
He informed me that he finished college and is moving to work on the family buisnesses. He travels a lot now.
It was weird. It was like he wanted me to know he could like other girls while also telling me he won’t have anyone but me. That he’s busy but would never be too busy for me.
I’m telling you it was twisted!
As he asked about “the boyfriend” and me getting engaged soon, he expressed his happiness for my “contentment.” It felt like he deliberately chose that word to try and prove something. “I want you to be happy, and I want that for me too.”
“Is your mom doing ok?” He asked.
We have an understanding when it comes to being a teenager with a sick parent. His mom was fighting lung cancer and we went through that together. I was scared he couldn’t control his anger and that he’d hurt himself. I also related to it.
His sudden anxiety attacks in class or at dinner. His migraines from stress or his urges to destroy everything around him. I sat on many a curb, helping him breathe. Watching his mom wither was killing him.
Sobbing, screaming, and crying out to a God he wasn’t sure was real.
It’s as if our roles have reversed now. The distinction lies in the fact that I didn’t turn to him for support. Somebody else was my comfort. My support. I was aware that he was likely grappling with similar thoughts as we stood there.
I know my God and I believe in Him more than anything else. I’m not screaming out to God asking why, or blaming Him. I might want to punch something, but that’s our only similitude.
His eyes aren’t bloodshot anymore and his under-eye bags have faded, he looks like he gets sleep. His mom has been cancer free for a year now. She’s more beautiful now than she’s ever been in my opinion.
Cancer sucks.
Every time I see him, I feel bad. I want him to be happy. Without me.
As you’ve probably heard these types of stories before, it serves as a reminder of the complexities of such situations.
I told him I want mom to get better, I want her to be happy and healthy at my wedding. She doesn’t want me engaged yet. We’re waiting out of respect for mom.
“I’d be happy to help. Medical bills, the wedding, moving.”
He offered a blank check.
“You want to help pay for my wedding? You’re kidding.”
I don’t want his money. None of my issues are becasue of money. He knew that before he asked. It was rude.
My mom would be proud, my dad would be furious.
They don’t know about it.
“At this point, I just want to see you happy and taken care of. It seems like he does that for you so, how much can I really hate him?”
“I think you two could be friends actually.”
…
“I’m never going to stop wanting you. Moving on is an impossibility for me. I don’t think he’d like me because of that.”
“Can you try?” I asked
“No.”
I’m never nervous to talk to my boyfriend but tonight I was. I couldn’t keep my hands from shaking and I nearly through up in his mom’s bushes, twice.
We’ve had a hard week, and month. Nights where we just sat on his front porch and cried. Our relationship is the only thing going right and everything else seems to be against us. Life is hard and It’s hard to be a team when you aren’t. I hate adding to his stress and I know that me catching up with N would do that!
I didn’t want him to misunderstand me, I didn’t want to ruin the only good thing I have. He’s everything to me.
Every relationship goes through dry seasons. Times of missing each other, times of all work and no play. Too tired from work and people that you have nothing left for the person who is the reason why you do it all. Relationships are hard and they don’t always make you happy. But If we can learn anything, it’s to tell the bad news or good news right away. Then they feel like they’re important enough to know first, and they are, aren’t they?
For years he had believed I had hidden feelings. At this point I’m not sure a girl can ever genuinely have a guy that is only a best friend. So… watch out. Girls are naturally nurturing and men love to be nurtured. So… don’t be so nurturing to them.
Girls suck at communicating, so do better. Thanks for reading. -E
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