My biggest fear…
I’m absolutely wild but he can still take me seriously. He says he loves me and means it. He shakes my Father’s hand and looked my mom in the eyes. He leaves the porch light on until I drive off, runs to the door when I get home. He pretends I have no flaws while helping me overcome them. He doesn’t hide anything, only our inside jokes, because those are ours.
Calls to say goodnight, every night. Hearing him say it, laying next to me, it’s surreal. Builds forts on the trampoline, and watches the Bee movie with me and my little brother. Gets my Lorax references when nobody else does. Loves kids and looks at them like they’re the most precious things in the world.
A boy that will dance with me in his grandparent’s living room. He doesn’t just want something from me, he wants everything. He comes to every dance show, even my friend’s little sister’s that I’m not dancing in. A boy that will be a brother to my brothers. Talks all night on the phone, then drops off birthday breakfast hours before the sun comes up for Samuel’s 8th. Washes my car at 1:00 a.m in his driveway after a family road trip because he doesn’t want me driving a dirty car. Cares about the engine light that pops up, buys my oil change. Dry walls the leaking ceiling in my bedroom. Drives across town to sit in the car with me and go nowhere. Fights any guy who would dare yell at me. Gets older, marries me, and lets me drive the nicer car. Tells me to park in the garage even though our car is too big.
Asks me to walk with him in the rain when I’ve never talked to him before. Isn’t scared to tell me I’m pretty, the prettiest girl he’s ever seen, in our first conversation. Facetimes me on family vacation, even though his cousins will make fun of him. My opinion is the only one he cares about. He’ll spend all of his summer working to buy me a necklace. He’ll sit with me for hours when I’m sick and make tea. Listening to the music I like, even if he doesn’t. Roses for my nightstand because it’s a random Tuesday night.
His siblings become my best friends. His parents become mine. Years pass and his childhood home filled with their memories start to bring memories to me too. Gradually, all of the family stories have me in it. Suddenly all of those things you look forward to and plan for all of your life are things you reminisce.
I’m scared of him not drinking enough water, overdosing on caffeine, or eating fast food too much. Not getting enough sleep or exercise, or being too stressed and working too hard. Scared of him falling in love with someone else, liking her hair more than mine. I’m scared of losing him, of car accidents, of his health failing. I’m scared that my life is too leveraged on him always being here.
-E
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