I hope this doesn’t come back to bite me later. ;/
I learned some interesting things that I’m not so sure I wanted to know this week.
Read if you must.
You might laugh at my “being such a dramatic girl” tendencies but what can you expect? You brought yourself here so don’t act so shocked. This is a white girl’s online journal.
I received a letter in the mail last week. Just a blank envelope with my name on it. Only my first and middle name which was suspicious.
I had something similar happen a few many months ago and it turned out to be from an old best friend. My first thought of course was that it must be from her again. My phone rang and I stashed it in the back of my drawer.
Three days pass.
I bumped into an old friend. I didn’t know what to say, other than mindlessly copy his hello and shocked facial expression. It isn’t such a big deal, he’s just an old friend who had some complications. Although many posts have been removed about him, there’s still enough remaining to provide context.
Spoiler, the letter wasn’t from her. It was from him.
When he inquired if I had opened it, I stupidly said, “opened what?” It was at that moment as we stood in Kohl’s, I realized. The letter carelessly stashed in the back of my drawer was from him. He went on to reveal that he met someone, but they had broken up, a detail he had written in the unread letter. “She wasn’t you.”
As he asked about “the boyfriend” and me getting married soon, he expressed his happiness for my “contentment.” It felt like he deliberately chose that word to try and prove something. “I want you to be happy, and I want that for me too.”
He asked about mom.
We have an understanding when it comes to being a teenager with a sick parent. His mom was fighting lung cancer and we went through that together. I was scared he couldn’t control his anger and that he’d hurt himself. I related to it. His sudden anxiety attacks in class or at dinner. His migraines from stress or his urges to destroy everything around him. I sat on many curbs helping him breathe. We went on many walks because watching his mom wither was killing him. Sobbing, screaming, and crying out to a God he wasn’t sure was real.
It’s as if our roles have reversed now. The distinction lies in the fact that I didn’t turn to him for support. Somebody else was my comfort. My support. I was aware that he was likely grappling with similar thoughts as we stood there.
I know my God and I believe in Him more than anything else. I’m not screaming out to God asking why, or blaming Him. I might want to punch something, but that’s our only similitude.
His eyes aren’t bloodshot anymore and his under-eye bags have faded, he looks like he gets sleep. His mom has been cancer free for a year now.
Cancer sucks.
This experience taught me an important lesson. My actions inadvertently caused him a lot of pain. He believed I had hidden feelings. (NOT the goal). The important lesson is that guy best friends are dangerous. I’m not sure a girl can ever genuinely have a guy that is only a best friend. So… watch out. Girls are naturally nurturing and men love to be nurtured. So… don’t be so nurturing to them. I’ll take blame, I feel bad.
As you’ve probably heard this story before, it serves as a reminder of the complexities of such situations. But, It can be simple.
I told him I want mom to get better, I want her to be happy at my wedding.
He offered to give me a blank check.
But I don’t need his money.
My mom would be proud, my dad would be furious.
They don’t know about it.
I’m never nervous to talk to my boyfriend but tonight I was. I couldn’t keep my hands from shaking and I nearly through up in his bushes twice. We’ve had a hard week, and month. Nights where we just sat on his front porch and cried. Our relationship is the only thing going right and everything else seems to be against us. Life has been hard and dating has been long. It’s hard to be a team when you aren’t.
I never thought I’d marry a man I truly respected. My family is more insane than anyone will ever understand, more than I can share on this blog. How I’d be worth all of the work, I’ll never wrap my mind around. He is a miracle to me. He’s the boy I loved as a child. My birthday wish for seven years, and the guy I had a crush on all through high school.
That’s why I was nervous, I don’t want him to misunderstand me, I don’t want to ruin the only good thing I have. He’s everything to me.
He helped build me a life and promised me a future. He’s the first guy to ever give me security and stability. He corrected my childish tantrums and got rid of my selfishness. He parented me and loved me more than my fathers ever did. He was kind and gentle when I was ridiculous. I grew up and overcame anxiety and timidness because of him. He had to break parts of me so that I could grow, insecurities and doubts eventually weren’t present anymore. I could have an empty bank account and I’d be rich, but I know he’d do whatever it took to make sure that never happens. I’ve never been more taken care of.
Every relationship goes through dry seasons. Times of missing each other, times of all work and no play. Too tired from work and people that you have nothing left for the person who is the reason why you do it all. Relationships are hard and they don’t always make you happy. But If we can learn anything, it’s to tell the bad news or good news right away. Then they feel like they’re important enough to know first, and they are, aren’t they?
To conclude and end the squish.
Girls suck at communicating, so do better. Thanks for reading. -E
Elaine Kate 