The Secret Diary

Merry Blogmas!!! I hope everyone is enjoying their December so far and loving the hyped preperations of Christmas. 19 more posts and 19 more days. 💖(Sorry it’s late and I’m publishing without much editing. If this is a rambling scrambled mess, I appreciate your understanding.)

I’m a Nanny and my little dude’s 7th birthday was today. I picked him up a decaf iced carmelicious from Scooters at 5:00am and birthday baloons. The pure happiness on his face melts my heart. He’s my favorite little guy in the whole world.

We do “Elf on The Shelf” every year and today Buddy and Jody were sitting on the kitchen counter with one birthday present Alex could open before school. The kids jump up and down so eager for me to get my boots and coat off to come read them the letter the elves left for them every morning in December. El woke up once every hour to see if they could go check what the elves were doing. I’m full-time but not FULL FULL time so I wasn’t there for that. I really treasure my beauty sleep. My boyfriend hates that about me. 😉

Tonight we watched New in Town, It had us all laughing to tears. 10/10 recommend if you want a Christmas movie that’s not overplayed. Tuesday nights are always date nights but my family was in Sioux Falls so I went to my boyfriend’s house, of course all of his siblings joined in on our movie date. Who knew my boyfriend’s siblings would feel like mine too.

I’m not always “happy.” I think of how I have to drive away from him and live at a home I don’t like. I sit next to him at his little sister’s Christmas choir concert and hope he still feels how he used to. Hope the girl next to him isn’t flirting. I have thoughts like, “I hope he continues to date me because I make him happy and because we’re more than just best friends; not because it’s too much work to find someone else. During his mood swings he says he “doesn’t have anything to live for, maybe if I had a kid,” and his voice echos when I leave and it all replays. “Finding you gave me life, dating you gave me something to look forward to, loving you gives me meaning.” He doesn’t say those things much anymore. Not that he has to. The first year of dating is a lot different than the fourth.

I dream and sleep alone, I start my Wednesdays without him like always, and I have parts of life that don’t involve him- and I’m okay with that. I like my life that I don’t share with him, my friends that he doesn’t know, my passions that he doesn’t have a clue about. Dating is different than marriage, it’s close but not the same. He complains that he has to wait for me and I secretly chuckle inside because I’ve been waiting much longer. I’d wait forever.

My little girl kept saying, “I bet you’ll get a diamond ring for Christmas.” I laugh but I so badly wish it were true. I don’t want to live with my crazy family anymore, I want to live with my bestfriend. I’d be moved out if he’d let me, but he knows I’m saving a ton of money by living at home. He just doesn’t realize how much I hate it here.

For a bright closing; I’m looking forward to vacation in January! It’s always fun to have a trip right after Christmas so you’re not so depressed about the holidays being over. We’re staying at a Lodge in Arizona. That means Snow Boarding, skiing, and horse back riding. Snuggling up with a book by the fire place, making espresso and doing facials with my boyfriend’s sister.

Thanks for reading! Come back for Blogmas.🎄