“I miss you so badly. And..I know you have a boyfriend…and I know you like him. Maybe even love..”
The time has come for me to open up about a secret I’ve been keeping.
The thing you’ve been “losing sleep” over.
Oh brother. 😅
I know it’s the dead of winter right now, but this story takes place in the hottest week of June.
If you’re new here, just skip this post. This is for the OGs, readers who’ve followed the progressions of the relationship. Strangers, friends, best friends, and now…I don’t even know what he is to me.
I got your messages… you noticed the posts slowly being taken down and less mentions of a main character here on the blog.
He’s practically been erased.
Traumatic you say? Well yes, sometimes it can be.
Context…
Many months after my 18th birthday party, I received a… text message.
After his graduation we’d call and check in often. He moved to MN for college and expected me to join him, but I never did. He went with a hockey scholarship, and I was to go with my dance scholarship.
He’d tell me about the people he met, his new friends, and classes he’s taking. Filling me in on the family drama (I can’t share here), and how his dad wants him to start taking over the businesses when he graduates.
He makes a point to tell me the girls are ugly there, stuck up and spoiled. That’s probably expected when you go to an overly fancy, hoity toity college.
I’d update him on my family and how fun senior year was. How the coaches I fangirled over called ME! How I’m not sure if college is in God’s plan for my life anymore. How I love the kids I nanny an how I had started dating this guy…
“Ah singing soccer boy? I’ll tell ya, I’m not so surprised.”
A few months passed…
I was in rehersal and missed his call.
He left a text.
My boyfriend noticed something was wrong, probably by the way my face turned all shades of color.
I stared at my phone, on the brink of passing out. I couldn’t read past those five words.
“What is it?” He asked.
…
“I know I should have told you this before. And I wanted to, but I didn’t want to ruin the friendship. I’ve loved being your friend. I didn’t want you to act different around me. I was waiting for you to get older, I was waiting for your eighteenth. I’ve had the biggest crush on you for years Elaina,“he confessed,”and I knew you were always so admit about not dating, focusing on your goals and school but…
…
…I’m in love with you.”
I’ve had boys text me that they “love me,” before. They never truly did. They didn’t even know me enough to have real opinions of me.
My boyfriend wanted to read those random texts I’d get, and of course I let him.
I’d never hide anything from him.
He gets irritated like a good boyfriend should, and blocks them.
But N isn’t like the other boys. I actually know him. We actually talk.
“Hearing your voice when we call breaks me, I miss you so badly. And..I know you have a boyfriend…and I know you like him. Maybe even love by the way I hear you talk about him. I was scared that would happen. That’s the only thing keeping me from hopping on a plane, grabbing you, and telling you what I should have told you years ago…
“Oh my word, another guy!? This is getting to be ridiculous. Let me see…” My boyfriend exclaimed, speed reading the text faster than I could.
“I’ve been waiting for “later.” I think later is now. Can you call?”
“Don’t read that. I’ll just block him.” My boyfriend said.
I needed to know what he had to say… why he was telling me this now if he’d always felt this way.
S barely knows N at all.
He’s still getting to know me honestly. We’ve only been together for a few months.
N and I have history he doesn’t really understand. Not in the way romantic people do but in the our lives are constantly intertwinning way. Friends that share friends and know family kind of way. So many years passing, growing up together, kinda way. Always at the 4th of July family barbecue…
You can’t just never talk to them again type of way.
Does that make sense?
This text wasn’t the same as the others. It wasn’t from a scum of the earth guy. I couldn’t just block him and ignore him like a stranger.
But. He blocked him.
I’ve always assured my bf that there was nothing between us. Becase there wasn’t, isn’t. Honestly…
I stood in the hall, holding my phone like it was going to start smoking and self distruct in my hands. Rereading parts of the text in my head because the message was deleted before I could read it.
“what I should have told you years ago..”
…
YEARS!!!????
“I was waiting for your eighteenth.”
Waiting to do what? To tell me you’ve loved me this whole time?!
“I think later is now…”
Oh no, what had I done? Our conversation at the baseball field. The night of my eighteenth. It’s all starting to come back to me…
Now I have to go home and lay in my bed all alone. Contemplating and overthinging my life.
What am I supposed to do? Unblock him and call? Ignore him forever? Tell him how rediculous he’s being? Never talk to him again?
I have to call him.
…Don’t have a guy be your best friend unless you’re going to marry him.
😉 Thanks for your kind support. -E
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