Life gets harder, people get worse; better, then turn on you again. They fall off the planet, become your best friend, betray you, etc. Sometimes life seems repetitive, days feel like they’ll never end. I run out of reasons to get out of bed, the 5:00 am alarm rings and by His grace I manage to brew the coffee, and walk out the door. My mom would tell me, “If you don’t lay in your bed at the end of the day completely exhausted, then you aren’t living hard enough.”
If any of you have been through depression, you know what true exhaustion feels like. I fought it with everything in me, as if it were something tangible. When it finally lossened it’s hold and I had releif, it felt like I lossed part of who I was. Reflecting on it sends chills down my spine because it had become such an integral part of who I was.
I tried with all my mental strength to combat this demon of depression, but at times, it felt like an uphill battle that I couldn’t win. My own mind seemed to turn against me. Some days were tougher than others, just like anything else. But I knew when I allowed my thoughts to roam unchecked, I’d risk spiraling.
I concealed my struggle better than most, and for years, I didn’t shed a tear in front of anyone. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to. It was as if my emotions had shut down. I remember when I almost broke my spine or fracturing my ankle, and still, I didn’t cry. Even when my dog Daisy passed away, not a single tear fell. “I’m a girl, and girls are supposed to cry, so what’s wrong with me?”
I found it incredibly difficult to feel anything besides self-directed hatred
I struggled with perfectionism, to the point of fault. If I didn’t push myself the most in a class or reach a goal, if I got 98% on a test, I’d see the 2% of my failure. I defined myself by the quality of what my life produced, constantly comparing myself to Christ and feeling like a waste of space.
I worked in my own strength and used the “Christian” title, but a label was all it was. I didn’t lean on Christ but rather my own head knowledge. I didn’t use Grace or Faith. I read the Bible like it was a textbook, ready to answer the question with the right answers. I was hungry for truth and reliability, but I missed the Spirit and heart of it all. It took me leaving everything to even grasp what true Christianity was. I let go of the pride that growing up in church can give a young person and started asking all of the “dumb questions” I was too old/scared to ask.
I didn’t know what a relationship with God was. I made up the “god” I thought I knew in my head and prayed to my conscience thinking it was Him. I walked in circles getting no answers to my problems. I didn’t know Him, the Creator of the Universe, I knew something or someone else and that terrified me.
I started reading to see who He was instead of how I should fix myself to pass the test. This perfect God I was trying to get in contact with felt so far. I never doubted His realness or power, I grew up in a church full of spiritually vibrant people who saw miracles often, and I saw them too.
I would see God in people but never in myself, I hated who I was and I was constantly fighting to fix all of my problems.
I want to truly know Him for more than healing and restoring. I wanted what my mom had with Christ. My actions to be His, my words to be His, my thoughts and decisions, His.
It sounds Insane, but I stopped praying. I didn’t want to talk to demons, weird spirits, or strange voices I heard in my head. I was scared because I didn’t know Him, and I used that fear to chase Him. I wanted to know who He was before I started talking to Him so I read the words in Scripture like they were letters to me. I started reading like it was real instead of studying for a Bible Bee or to see how fast I could memorize. I prayed the way the Bible told me to pray.
Those words came to life and changed me entirely. The real, true, tangible, loving Heavenly Father was right here. I started praying through writing in my journal, and I spoke against anything that wasn’t Him by using the power of Jesus’ name out loud. Jesus, His name cleared away the fog that filled my head. I didn’t need to know anything other than the power of His name and I’d say it the moment I woke up every day. My bedroom was filled with peace the very moment His name came off my lips. It became simple to pray, it was just like calling my mom or talking to my friends. My eyes were put on Him and I was discovering Almighty God for the first time, I was no longer faking it or lying to myself that I felt His presence when I never did. I forgot I was depressed, I forgot about past things that hurt me so deeply and I had freedom.
When those feelings of depression try to come back, I remember how deep and lonely I was. I promised myself that I would never be there again. I promised God that I would always be thankful for each breath and if all I have is Him, I have all I need. I promised Him that I’d spend the rest of my life proving it to Him.
The full story comes out slowly and deserves many more posts. I praise Jesus Christ for saving me from myself.
Quick update: My family is back in town after a week-long trip and they’re already driving me mad. My (Florida) grandpa Joel, got a COVID-19 vaccine and scheduled his booster. He’s doing okay, the lack of research and testing is a little weird in my opinion, I’ve heard nothing but negatives. It very well could be a government plan to jumble up our insides, turning us into slave satan worshipers if they haven’t done that to the majority of citizens already. BUT, this is not a vaccine post, we’re all tired of Covid talk I’m sure.
My Iowa grandparents are both home after testing positive as well. That’s all for now.
Until next time.
-Elaina