I still feel the weight — a weight of exhaustion. It’s the feeling of responsibility, and of failing at that responsibility.
“Give your burdens to the Lord,” can be easier said than done. Certain passages come to mind that fit, but the process of actually doing it is hard. I haven’t lived long enough. I don’t know God as deeply as I want to.
Some days I feel like I’ve lived many life times. Other days, I wonder why anyone trusts me because I JUST showed up here. Like I was born yesterday.
Physically, I feel like I’m moving forward. Mentally, I feel stuck. I’m trying to let go, but of what? Of Mom? Explain to me how you let go of something like that?
Not a single day passes where I don’t miss her. Everything reminds me of her. My brain hasn’t caught up and is trying to place her somewhere. She obviously isn’t here, I watched them put her in the ground. (Or at least attempt to. They didn’t dig a big enough hole for her casket to fit. I stood there watching this random guy In his $30 Kohl’s dress shoes jump on her casket, trying to shove her down). After a year without her, I’m still expecting to see her standing by the nursery counter at church. I see a black crossover Subaru and I anticipate her. Those things ruin me, so I avoid them. I have a whole list of locations I avoid. Songs I don’t listen to. Movies I don’t watch, and restaurants I don’t go to. I can’t handle it yet.
Maybe I need therapy.
A lot has changed since last August. If I can know God more, by going through this. If I can understand His suffering, even by the tiniest percentage. I am thankful for that.
I’m just longing to be free and I can’t wait to see Jesus in person.
Thanks for reading, friends.
Elaine Kate 