Her radiation mask was made, dad’s insurance passed for immunotherapy, and we have two treatments behind us already.
The doctor told us that her speech and memory declining daily is normal and not to be scared. My little brother and I have learned to show no reaction when we can’t understand her. We try so hard to be gentle and avoid her getting angry with herself when she tells us to go upstairs and grab the lasagna, or that it’s Wedsaturntoday; she’ll ask me to pick up the 5 marshals cent polish nail store. My little brother will look at me and chuckle and I’m just relieved he’s not crying. I hate watching her like this so much.
The radiation is killing the tumor, and the brain’s response is to flood itself with water to clear out the bad cells. Which is so cool! The tumor and excess water in her brain cause swelling inside her skull, pushing the tumor into the frontal lobe; the parts in charge of motor skills, memory, limb movement, normal functions, etc. It’ll keep getting worse before it can get better. She’s in no pain though, praise God! We couldn’t handle that again.
Melanoma is aggressive cancer and this is an aggressive tumor, it’s already grown since the brain surgery a few weeks ago. She’s irritable and frustrated all the time which isn’t anything like her. The one thing she remembers how to say perfectly is “I don’t care.” That’s the most used response when you ask her anything.
I keep telling myself that it’s the cancer, or the treatment, and everything she’s going through-not that she hates me. When she’s passive-aggressive towards me and S. He doesn’t want to come over because he feels unwelcome. I don’t want to come over either, but I live here.
I want my mom back, I want her to be healthy again. I want all of the bruises on her arms to go away and her hair to grow back, I want the swelling in her face to go away and her eyes filled with life again. I want her real smile, not her fake one.
I will never forget all that God has done, the hundreds of miracles He has given mom. I will never let go of this level of gratitude and amazement. He has never once left me, how could I leave Him? He has done too much for me.
And I’m learning that this is Christianity. It’s the “why” I always had a hard time explaining as a kid-I don’t lie anymore, not because It’s a ten commandment, not because my conscience would tell me not to; but because I couldn’t possibly choose to hurt God like that. I go to church every Sunday because my God shows up for me, and never once has He not. I don’t dishonor my parents, even when they do things that are hard to forgive, said things that deserve no respect; when they’re insane and dead wrong, when everything inside of me wants to scream at them. I can’t and I couldn’t, because He says how I treat others is how I treat Him. Every time I begged Him to save either of their lives, He answered. He was merciful, so I can be too.
When I was fourteen and came home from dance class to dad in the living room, drunk again. When I snuck out in the middle of a rainstorm at 1:00am, a week after I got my permit, In his Hummer-Standing in the middle of some dirt road in my pajama shorts and slippers, sobbing because I needed help. I gave my life to Him, but He was there before I ever did. When I was seventeen and it got worse, dad had an entire bottle of something you take shots of and mom rushed him to the ER because his organs were failing; when I was scared to wake up the next morning because I didn’t know if I still had dad. When mom said she’d rather be beaten than live life with him, when the fighting wouldn’t stop, the screaming had no end. When dad went bankrupt and we almost lost our house; when he was on trial and the FBI was at my front door. When the DHS interviewed me to make sure I wasn’t being abused. When I was embarrassed around my friends because dad was a known felon and our last name was on every front page. When he couldn’t come watch me at Nationals because he was on probation. When I’d have to start paying for classes or drop out, when I was told two years before graduation that my college savings was gone. When S and I thought we were going to move out together and then literally everything we worked for was gone. When I had nothing.
He was there for me, He always is, and that’s why.
Elaine Kate 