Mom’s Cancer Story- Sunday, February 19th, 2023
In one month, mom’s brain tumor doubled in size. She thought her son’s name was September, seventeen, or cereal. She stared at the cash in her hands not knowing how to pay for lunch. Dad called her and all she said was gibberish and then told him she wanted a burrito from Culver’s. Pre-school questions have her confused. “Grandparents are younger than grandchildren, all babies that cry know how to color, limes and lemons are sour vegetables.” It took her a minute to name 5 animals.
She doesn’t look okay, although she’ll scream in your face that she is. She forces a smile that makes me uncomfortable, It’s not her. Her eyes are full of denial this time, she isn’t being a sweet mom anymore. She looks like something is living inside her.
Her face is swollen from the drugs, her eyes look like they’re going to pop, her head is covered in stitches and yet she seems pleased with it all. She’s proud with herself. It’s like denying treatment and prolonging this cancer battle is her full-time job. Having her family watch her die slowly brings her joy.
This is her third brain surgery, yet she’ll tell you she doesn’t have brain cancer; the nurse nearly dropped her scissors in shock. She’s putting us through Hell and says it’s fun, her hospital room is an actual Hell on Earth. God’s peace only comes when Pastor walks in.
And it’s not because of the drugs, it’s not because she’s high from the anesthesia, mom has always been that way. She catches a cold, she’ll never admit it; she has a headache, she’ll rebuke it and say she feels no pain. “God is our healer, we don’t get sick,” is what she’ll say. And He is, BUT, there must be something He heals us from in order to be our Healer. Ignoring your sickness is not faith, pretending it’s not there, is not faith. Numbers 13:32- When the twelve spies were sent to explore the land of Canaan, ten of them were terrified because the city was full of giants. Joshua and Caleb did not ignore them and say there are no giants. They said God is on our side, who can be against us!? THAT, is faith.
I’ve never seen it as clearly as I have now. Cancer is demonic, and cancerous cell behavior is identical to demonic behavior. They break off from the good and healthy cells and multiply themselves until the bad cells take over the good. Corrupting as many healthy cells, and as quickly as possible. The hours and hours mom stays in her room “listening to God,” is creeping me out. Her room doesn’t feel like a room filled with the peace of God, it doesn’t feel like a room of worship and humility, it feels like a dark place I don’t want to be.
The only possible way I could close my eyes last night was when I imagined my angel standing over my bed-if I kept the worship songs on the entire night at the lowest volume and had my boyfriend sleeping on the phone, I was okay.
My room is the most peaceful in the house, but I still hate sleeping here.
My Pastor’s dinner table has been my safe place, God’s peace is so strong there.
The things she’s said repeatedly and screamed at me whenever I told her she needed medicine replayed in my mind yesterday- “I’m taking this to all the world, to the nations; God is just amending me for my work, I need your elegance back Kate; this is my story and nobody else’s, they don’t have my faith that’s why they don’t understand; I will listen to NO man!”
She nearly said she was going to kick me out if I continued to be “full of fear.” She gave me Youtube preachers to watch so I can “fix my issue.” She also told me to cut off my boyfriend and not go to the Pastors for guidance. She thinks I’ve left the Lord, that I have no faith; as if I’m the Prodigal Son she’s been waiting for, to come back home. She said the Lord told her she had the go-ahead to move to Florida in hopes that I’d break-up with S. (Most people just wouldn’t believe all of this is true, it is!)
And the explanation for refusing treatment was-“God doesn’t work logically, it doesn’t always make sense; why would Jesus have to die for us, that doesn’t even make sense, we just need to get on mom’s faith level and support her in this healing.” HELLO??!!
Who made logic? God! Do you not know why Jesus died for you? Do you not know why you believe what you believe? It all makes logical sense, everything in the Bible is logical and every verse will fit with another. It’s orderly and consistent. It’s why we have the law of identity, the law of contradiction, and the laws of thought. The law of reasoning and consequent, of sufficient reason. They have nothing but flake. Nothing but cheap grace and rebellion. They think they can be their Pastor unless they find one that will coddle them and say yes to anything they ask.
To say I was dumbfounded would be an understatement. I’m going to try and forget all of that.
It sounds like a demon talking through mom. When you have faith, you can have a civil conversation and explain why you believe what you believe, you have peace-When you’ve been deceived, listening to satanic voices that have slipped in, it flips out in rage, screaming that it’s right and everyone else is wrong. They’re sporadic and inconsistent, nothing calms it. I nearly had to yell “be at Peace in Jesus name,” to get my mom calm.
And I hope I’m wrong. I hope she’s insane because of the tumors, I hope it’s the cancer that’s making her delusional and not voices in her head.
God gave us Doctors, He gave us Medicine. Have you heard the analogy with the man in the flood, sitting on his roof waiting for the Good Lord to save him? A paddle boat comes, a ship sails by, a helicopter passes over and he’s waiting for the Lord like a fool. The Lord gave you the paddle boat, He gives us tools to use. Faith is action! When you’re stuck with no options, that’s when God blesses us with miracles.
I’m surprised we didn’t leave room 1812 with holes in the wall. Even the doctors wanted to slam their fists into the sheetrock before walking out.
Thanks for following along. I’m tired of being with people that don’t learn their lesson.
-Elaina 💔
Elaine Kate 