Hey there buddy ol’ pals. Yes, you read that correctly. The time has come for me to open up about a secret I’ve been keeping, the thing you’ve all been “losing sleep” over. Oh brother. 😅
I know it’s the dead of winter right now, but this story takes place in the hottest week of June, 2019.
If you’re new here, just skip this post (if you want). This is for my homies who have been here from the beginning- readers who read the progressions of the relationship. From a stranger, to a friend; to my best friend, and now the person who would ruin my life. Those of you who noticed the posts slowly being taken down and less mentions of a main character here on the blog; a person who had such a big impact on my life has practically been erased. Traumatic, you say? Well yes, sometimes it is.
For all the new friends hopping in, read these posts first.
Many months after my 18th birthday party- I received a text message from a friend, N.
(After graduation he would call and check in often, he moved to MN for college and expected me to join him, but I never did. He went with a hockey scholarship, and I was to go with my dance scholarship. I’d update him on life, school, work, and how I had started dating this guy named S. “Ah Soccer boy? I’ll tell ya, I’m not so surprised,” he said. “REALLY?! Because I am, I don’t date anyone!”)
I was dressed in a hideous costume for a play production at my church when my phone dinged- S probably noticed either the shock and horror on my face or how I turned white, he grabbed the phone from my hands. N sent paragraphs telling me how he felt.
Some of you may be thinking, “oh boo hoo you! Some guy texted you and told you you’re so pretty and that he loves you, you must be hurting SO bad.” This wasn’t romantic, I had nightmares for months of this guy sneaking into my room where I’d wake up screaming with tears running down my face. He saw me at Kohl’s and hugged me, I hugged him back and then threw up in the bathroom because I felt so guilty. My parents were confused why I wouldn’t eat dinner. He put me in such an awkward position.
At first I felt numb, I was hoping S thought I wasn’t affected or touched by it. I wanted to call him and scream, or cry, or hate him forever; but I didn’t. I just deleted the message.
I knew S didn’t want to talk about it, so I didn’t for months, although I needed to. Now that I think about it, our relationship was so new I don’t think I would have known how to talk to him about it anyway.
Time passed, I started to move on and forget. I hated him and missed him at the same time, both things I needed to fix. Austin would message me occasionally and ask if I was still in a relationship, of course he was updating his roommate, which I knew. “I’m head over heels in love with him, I’m going to marry him you know?” It seemed like he was getting over it until he got his Tesla in a car accident and his mom called me saying N wasn’t coming out of a coma- she bought me a plane ticket. That’s where I found out that his mom thought we were together still. “STILL?! UMMM?” Put that in the books for most awkward phone call with a guy’s mom. Ever.
I called him and heard his voice for the first time in what felt like years. “Hello.” “Listen to your voice, I forget how grown-up you are now,” he said. He told me he almost died that day and all he could think of was me. He told me he was planning on proposing on my eighteenth birthday but didn’t want to rush me, he didn’t think I was ready so instead of grabbing the silver box with a ring in his backpack that night, he gave me a bracelet, hoping it would still mean something to me. He wanted me to figure life out first and he never thought that would be through another person. He apologized for everything and I could tell he meant it. To be honest, as a just turned 18 me, I’m not sure what I would have said if he did propose.
I asked him why he seemed so chill about me dating S when I told him previously, what had changed? He said he was letting me have my fun running around with some boy he knew I had a crush on, he anticipated I’d get bored and come running back. He didn’t expect it to get so serious. “After two years of your fun, I figured it was time to get you back. I couldn’t imagine you picking him over me, but you did.”
I could tell he was crying on the phone when I said I forgave him. I told him I missed what we had before and that I’m hurt by it all too. I even told him about my nightmares and he assured me that he would never hurt me. It helped me, we realized we didn’t need sleep, we needed closure and that’s what our phone call did. I apologized for leading him on, it was never even a thought for me, I was just a child and I promised I didn’t know I was being a jerk myself. All of the things I did with him, they were innocent childish mistakes to me. For him, he was older and he felt things I didn’t. “Do you mean it?” He said. “Of course I do, I just want to move on with our lives not hating each other.”
My boyfriend agreed to go to lunch with him “so he could apologize in person.” But, then he left white flowers on my windshield in the Walgreens parking lot last month with a note saying…
Let’s just say lunch was canceled.
There, you have it. Always a lesson to be learned and I learned so many with this one. Communication is crucial for any relationship, get issues resolved right away, ask uncomfortable questions because they matter, and don’t have a guy be your best friend unless you’re going to marry him.
😉 Thanks for reading.
Elaine Kate 