I don’t recognize my parents anymore. Fried fish sticks for dinner, strange television preachers; awake at 3:00 am and asleep at noon. Dad sitting at the kitchen counter in the dark of the morning wondering how he’ll get through the day. He still fakes a smile for me though before I leave for work.
The house gets rearranged multiple times a week, mom gets bursts of energy and hangs pictures. My little brother wakes up to any sound because he’s scared and traumatized, he chats with me every night no matter the hour I get home. Some nights he doesn’t sleep. Last night he came out of his room to see me as I was filling a glass of water before bed and he told me mom used the cup to drain the tube from her leg, I spit the water out and threw up in the kitchen trash can.
Dishes aren’t clean because dad does them, my brothers and I only eat off of paper plates or out. He got a new job in January but hasn’t really been able to do it. The only places they go is church and hospitals. The house has never been cleaner in my life though- stress cleaning. My dad would never admit to having stress or being scared but I know he is. He left and bought cleaner in the middle of the day and scrubbed his bathroom for an hour. If you’ve met my dad, he doesn’t clean. Ever.
I don’t want to be at another emergency hospital week. I found out today that Mom isn’t wanting her treatment. She doesn’t want Immunotherapy or radiation which are her only options. This always ends at the hospital just minutes away from something that would be devastating and permanent and it’s mom’s fault. I still need a mom even if I have to mother her for the rest of my life. Sometimes I wonder if she likes her cancer, like it’s a part of her identity and testimony so much that she doesn’t want to be rid of it. She doesn’t notice that it’s slowly killing us too, we’re getting more and more exhausted with her “I heard from God- I had a dream” stories. Can’t we just obey and do the right thing? We admire her strong faith but I’m getting a feeling it’s misplaced.
I told dad it was time for us to make the decisions for her, she has a tumor pressing on her brain right now, that could be contributing to her insanity. She’s just so stubborn.
I don’t want to play the game anymore. I’m truly exhausted.
(Don’t worry. She’s getting treatment if it’s the death of me. I will have my entire church congregation drag her into every appointment if necessary).
Elaine Kate 