Memorial weekend wasn’t as relaxing as I’d hoped. There were great moments but also devastatingly bad ones thrown in way too often. “Devastating” is a dramatic word, but it gets the point across. It was nice to have time with family and friends, take a break from work, and push the ongoing list of things needing to be done to the side for a weekend. I hope everyone enjoyed the holiday, stayed safe, and had quality time with the people they love the most. Here is something I wrote when I couldn’t sleep.
It’s 12:30 am on Monday. I lay here alone in the dark and quiet; I hear my lungs inside my chest inhale and exhale, the weight of my heart feels 10ibs at least, which is especially heavy when it’s in your throat. I hear the sound of swaying trees and whistling grass outside. The smell of dust when the air conditioner kicks on, like spring turning into summer. The glowing moon fills my room; it’s perfectly aligned with my window, making dancing shadows of branches on my bedroom walls. It’s peacefully lonely.
It would be nice if I didn’t have a hole in my stomach, wanting to throw up kind of feeling right now. He always calls before we go to sleep and tonight he didn’t. I’m supposed to be my own person and not let the sound of his voice be my crutch, but I’ve grown to need it; my most fundamental, life-altering, growing-up moments have been with him. When he prays on the phone all of my stress and anxieties fade away. It’s a problem I suppose, if it hurts when I don’t have it, and it does. I have prayer on my own and peace found in Christ, but it’s different with him; It’s deeper and goes farther. For now, I’m content letting the sadness be, I’ve come to terms. Relationships aren’t about practicality or convenience, you have to learn how to read the person in every situation so you can be what they need. I failed at that tonight and I hurt his feelings. I feel like a jerk, and I can’t be at rest when we’re upset with each other.
Vulnerability is the scariest part of a serious relationship, it’s also the most fulfilling aspect. People are scared of long-term relationships because they think they’ll get bored, or the nerves and butterflies before seeing them go away, (I used to share that belief). I never knew what it was like to be attracted to a personality or the way someone processed information. That complete, whole feeling when you see them. Falling in love is the best feeling in the world, even when the feelings aren’t there. Choosing to love someone, and staying in it is even better. I don’t have to worry about him cheating or leaving, he’s never lied to me. My life feels stable for once and I’m really liking it. I needed him more than anything on this Earth and God knew it.
We aren’t always perfect, we “fight” sometimes, and I hurt his feelings occasionally. After almost 2 years of dating, still, everything is a lesson on what not to do in the future. I don’t always know how to handle situations. I mess up, forget stuff, and cry over small things that impact me too deeply. I I’m the girl who puts her reading glasses on car windshields and drives off. I leave my keys in his car and don’t realize until 5 a.m. when I have to drive to work. I leave my backpack at people’s houses and anytime I sit on a couch, it eats my phone. It’s mentally exhausting for me to keep up with my belongings. It sounds so stupid I know. I just have too many things on my mind.
They tell me it’s a side effect of my age.
This is such a random post. I hope you enjoyed my rant session. Thanks for reading.
-E
Elaine Kate 