Don’t be a hater. I’ll block you.
I don’t want to forget my life simply because I was too embarrassed to share the intense feelings I experience. I’m thankful to feel so deeply. There was a time I prayed to feel something. I won’t trash my answered prayer.
You can’t look at anyone else. You force yourself into conversations so you don’t look like an idiot if he glances in your direction. He did. Or maybe I made that up?
I can’t pay attention to anything but him. It’s an internal battle. I could easily start failing at school and extracurricular activities and be completely consumed with thinking about him. Why care about anything else?!
I’m a looser. I’m so dependent on something ridiculous. I’m a person I would make fun of. I should be at this point. I’ve gone mad I think.
It’s always been him though, what am I supposed to do with that?
I was a toddler eating cake at his 1st birthday party, I took the bus with him in kid’s church when we were 5 and 6. His parents came over for dinners and he’d play with all of my toys, his little sister fell off my scooter, I learned how to drive a go-cart with his dad in our old church parking-lot. I cried because my friend told me she kissed him, (and I was five). We crawled under his parent’s bed and ate sugar cubes, and that made me feel better. I still haven’t forgotten tho. 😦
I thought he was the cutest little boy with his sparkly brown eyes and expressive eyebrows. He still carries both of those features.
Puberty is a thing, and he seemed to have shot up eight inches overnight, his voice is now 12 octaves lower. Shoot me now pls.
I hate the idea of him with anyone else, which could be a clear sign of true love. I’m sure I need to avoid loving anyone this intensely right now. You can’t explain a teenage crush to anyone but a teenager. My frontal lobe isn’t helping me.
We’ve grown up strangers. We don’t talk and we aren’t friends. I’ve thought of walking up to him and starting a conversation. I’m not scared to, well I am, but I’m mainly scared to ruin the thing I’ve got going. Ya know, this imaginary relationship with the ideas… they treat me well.
The other day I walked passed him in the hall way and as I was literally turning around to ask him if he’d take me to the DV Prom, some guy interrupted me and I lost my bravery.
Maybe, if I got to know him I’d be set free. I could figure out all of his horrible habits and lose interest.
nah.
Weirdly enough, he’s protected me in ways he’ll never know. Of course I would NEVER tell him this but… Boys have come along. Some rich, handsome, one had a literal yacht. Most of them have been absolutely repulsive. But, I was so dedicated to the idea or the dream, aka the crush. I like that I haven’t dated anyone, I’m proud of it. It’s like a gold star and you all know how much I love a gold star.
I only want to date my husband. Sorry. If you’re not my husband, I’m not wasting my Friday night with you and I’m sure as heck not letting you kiss my cheek. (You know who you are). Blah.
I don’t go out on dates or let boys take me to parties. Except once, but I felt horribly guilty afterwards and I’ll clarify that It wasn’t a date.
I know I don’t deserve him, yet I avoided every guy because of him.
I won’t be your prom date just to make those “high school memories.” I won’t go get ice cream with you late at night because you have a Porch. I’m not wrecking my life okay! It’ll take me years to trust you and you know what? That’s perfectly fine! I don’t care how many times you say can I kiss you without saying can I kiss you. I’m not ever ever going to, you pervert. I won’t be bought, I don’t want your money, and I can’t be flattered into a yes. I’m just not impressed okay, you’re not cool. I don’t care if I “like” you, even if I think you’re cute, or am confused about feelings. I’ll like you today and hate you tomorrow and that’s not a relationship. If I don’t think I’m going to marry you, I’m not wasting your time or mine. Thank you for saying I’m pretty but my husband will think that too. And, it’s not about being pretty you idiot. Everything about you is a red flag.
Y’all heard it first. Only time will tell. -Elaina
Elaine Kate 
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